Will i survive from what that doesnt kill me??? Hope so

It has been more than a month since i last updated my blog.

Where i said what doesnt kill you make u stronger...

Yeah...

After having said that, aku benar2 tersungkur... gedebap!! and i thought masa tu keadaan dah teruk, little did i realize things can go a lot worse.. and so it did!!

The Drama

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After discovering some strength, colleagues that supports u moraly... i tend to find the courage to bring myself up again, so i thought. i was again on track. starting to take care of what i eat, force myself to sleep early etc...

then i face the ultimate challenge... from a superior. it was dark moment.... truly dark...

The environment was too hostile. Although i was on my way up to improvement but somehow there r people who wont let go of the past. My past... My illnesses in the past. my defects... I try to rationalize... I did...

Alas... My significance, my roles had been reduced greatly. felt like being sabotaged. and all simply because i was strugling with my poor health. Although i quickly grasp my innerself together but the wound inside was so great that it hurts.

Since they really wont let it go despite the obvious changes i made... i was really frustrated...

Hence, I made a decision...

I surrendered myself to Ampang Puteri on 28th April 2009.

Went to a gastroenterologist and the Dato' decided that i had to undergo endoscopy and colonoscopy the following day(most drs already expected that anyway). He gave lots of medication that tastes like pure salt to cleanse my intestines and colons so that the scopes can be done smoothly without any obstacles...

So on the 29th morning, feeling terribly weak as i have been drained by those horrid salts, i went to ampang puteri again. my sister was already there.

I was requested for hospitalization, for insurance purposes at first....

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The procedures and treatment

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Firstly i went to lablink for a complete blood test.

Next i went to radiology dept, for ultrasound on my abdoment...

Then only i proceed to the surgical dept. waiting for feared procedures: scopes

I changed into scrubs and melangut there waiting for them...

I observed the apparatus and equipments that they're gonna use. the pipes, cables, huge screen etc, totally scary...

Next thing i know i passed out.

But suddenly i felt a sharp thrust, and active movements in my abdoments... I was awake and the camera was still inside of me, exploring its way thru my colons, investigating!!!

And i began to struggle and shout. I felt a few people were holding me, to avoid injuries on my colon due to my struggles.

They did not anticipate that i would suddenly be fully conscious in the middle of the session!!

And it was because of my insomnia..... *sigh*

Since they have increased the dosage of whatever it is just to make me phase out again, i was barely awake when the procedure is over. I was muttering something while they were bringing me to the ward. I saw my sister, my bro and his wife, i muttered stuff and i kinda phased out again.

it was a brief moment before i was fully awake with my sister by my side. Dr, then came and explained the results from all the tests and procedures. While my constant gastritis did not damage my intestines/colones (yet) but he's alarmed with my absurdly high count of whiteblood cells and C-Reactive protein. Absurdly high. And the assumption was accumulated/ long term food poison.

So i was held captive. Meaning being hospitalized even longer..

Dr. said: As long as ur blood tests are not clear from all these, we r not going to send u home.... Apart from that, my left ab is terribly painful. I was treated with strong antibiotics and painkiller which caused constant drowsiness and nausea. These effect started to surface on the 3rd day i was in the hospital.

I rejected all the food given to me. Not even hearing bout it. I was trying to be nice when my friends and relatives brought food that might interest me. My dearest boss En. Z brought yummy Krispi Kreme donuts. i ate one. the following day another colleague brought big apple donuts. i ate 1. my sis and her husbands were usually the ones that finish up the food, thankfully.

I ended up becoming even weaker.

They took my blood every freaking morning at 8am, for the blood test for infection. and every few hours they would come to check my temperature and BP. My temperature was usually between 35 to 36.6 degrees. Quite cold... haha a cold blooded woman indeed.

But my white blood cells and the CRP counts keep on inflatuating, but never normal. way out of normal...

On my 6th day, when the series of blood test are making no sense and i was complaining the abdominal pain, i was sent for a CT scan.... abdominal scan...

And that night, Dr. came with the results.

1. My gastro-systems are in normal shape. no swellings. i have to live with the fact that my digestion system is terribly sensitive. I would be best on home-cooked food.

2. He discovered something bout my liver.. quite alarming note. Big part contributed by meds. *sigh*

3. The left base of my lungs collapsed. Yeah collapse, inflammed... at the end of the day it will always come back to my never-ending asthma. And Dr. concluded that the infections are from there. My lungs.

4. I will be discharged the following day maybe at night. And still need for blood tests. now i feel like a guinea pig/ labrat. Depa cucuk tang sana, depa cucuk tang sini.... My white blood cells and CRP count declined but still on the higher side...

I was discharged with boxes of medications and days of mcs and to comeback for a followup the following week. The infections still around.... i had no say.

While i was at the ward.

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Since I was under aggresive treatment, I couldn't bring myself to do my work although my senior colleague brought my lappie to my room upon my request (thanks akak!!). I was sleeping most of the time. Insomnia was on holiday thanks to these new drugs infesting my system. Not that i had enuf of them.

So my concerned lil sis in law brought me some enticing reading materials. I bought URTV but ended up with the nurses since i have no appetite in reading 'em. The novels that my SIL brought are Twilight's ; New Moon and Eclipse. And i actually finished 'em.

I was on the bed most of the time since i was nauseaous and drowsy most of the time. I however make it a point to walk around to avoid blog clogging (i need to get out). But always terhoyong hayang... Bani parpu asked me to go and visit neighbouring patients and wards. under such conditions, my PR skills are out of proportion. I might end up throwing out on 'em.

But there are times i would look out of my window, gazing at the skies, the clouds... the ever busy MRR2.... Sometimes the sky is bright and clear, but then some other times there are heavy dark clouds or bright cottony beautiful clouds...

Our lives are like 'em.. There are times we are on top of our lives that our presence brighten others... but there times we r like those heavy dark clouds, bearing all the problem that others hardly comprehend, feeling stormy...

But then...

I've made my mind.

I shall not return here anymore. Feeling so helpless and hopeless. And that's not why i came in the first place.

While i'm here totally trying to improve my health, yet the guilt of leaving my work too long is killing. And i know people talk... I know my real problem. A week of hospital stay couldnt undo the problem that had been embedded in my chromosomes, neither in the environment...

All i need is motivation. Since i mostly get blames from many, so i guess only i can motivate myself in the positive way. Pathetic isn't it. Not that i dont appreciate the critics, but i'm getting tired listening to 'em.

But then i know, it's me....

Well... so far i'm alive... No casualties. Got out of hospital, losing 3 kgs via unhealthy way.

So its time to see, that what that doesnt kill will make me stronger...

So here i am at the office in wee hours, finishing keja2 tertunggak. Its not easy being back on the ground, partially unbalanced...

Gambatte Kawaii.... wish me luck!!

p/s: to dear friends and family, thanks for the wishes, and flowers and fruits and food and visits. I truly appreciate 'em. Its time for me to be back on my feet.

The day i nearly become a beggar!!

I have been terribly busy these days. Until i no longer know when's the day and when's the night. When its raining outside and when its bright and shiny. Until i skipped my meals and only to go back with tummy growling (if no one orders pizza in the office) which doesnt make me one inch smaller lah kan. People actually wonder if i'm on a looong leave or transfered somewhere.

Since last month, i have been involved in a special project. We have conquered the office library and turned it into our project operation room. Anyway, just to say my life since that... dah kelam kabut... no time to do laundry, no time to clear the house, no time to send clothes to dobi pun. no time to wash my shoes collection.... Talking bout shoes...

Last Monday i had a hard time looking for any nice pair of working shoes to wear to the office. All my office shoes are either filthy, dusty or dirty. Some even needed mending on the heels. Luckily i have one BATA shoes (that's actually kinda casual) left that is black to be worn to work.

This calls for an urgent purchase of shoes!!!

So, finally last Tuesday i went to Alamanda as they say there's a huge sale going on there. So i went and my eyes caught on a handbag and a pair of shoes, both Carlo Rino. Though they call it sales but each of cost nearly RM200. So i was contemplating. I went back with empty hands. But the following day, Wednesday i returned to Alamnda. i still buy them. Actually actually i bought the hnadbag and 2 pair of shoes.

But still i thought i need to replenish my shoes stock. I usually wear my shoes till they are worn out. Usually it doesnt take that long for it to happen as, well, my shoes have to work hard to support the massive burden; me!

Hence, on Thurdsday, i've given some thought. I was earlier doing some negotiations for the projects and was completely stressed out. I only had my brunch at 3pm when i decided to bring just my wallet and went to to cafe to eat. And guess what,

i forgot to put back my wallet inside my new handbag!!!! And left it at my workstation!!!!

Not realizing this fatal mistake, later that evening when i thought all is done at the office, i drove off to Jusco Balakong after peeked my friends doing poco2. I went in, i parked my car. In the car, my digged down into my new shiny bling2 handbag, searching for my wallet to put in my parking ticket. Till the end of the bag, i found no trace of my wallet. My heart pounded so fast that i dont even know what to do. I took a deep breath and try to remember... So i remember carelessly leaving it on the table.

Ok so now i'm in trouble...

1. I've taken the parking ticket. How am i to pay??

2. There goes my shopping mission

I must say i'm glad that a dear colleague of mine (kak aneeraaaaa) was also there doing some shopping. So meaning i have to depend on her to pay my parking fee. Else i'm ready to go to any stranger asking for RM1!! Since all my small changes are in another handbag.

So since i'm all set, i took the parking ticket and place it in a compartment in my bag, where i found my petronas credit card terselit in it. Then i remembered, the same habit, i forgot to put it in my wallet. But what a bliss!! So i can still go and by my shoes!!! :)))

As i walked in JJ, my boss called, and the conversation was not a pleasant one. Actually we were both stressed out, and he was stressing out on the things that i was supposed to do. Me, being stubborn was arguing with him over the phone. I ended up feeling bad about it since i never behaved that way towards him and him to me. I felt so sad.

Before i knew it, i was walking towards the counter with a salesgirl carrying 4 boxes of shoes for me. But i must say, the shoes here are a real bargain. If the day before at alamanda i spent RM400 for a handbag and 2 pair of shoes, here i spent not even RM300 for 4 pair of shoes, Alain Delon and Crocodile. Within 2 days, i've gained 6 pair of shoes. So now i kena duduk diam2.

But still i have to go to kak Aneera for my parking fees. Pathetic. She herself was in the middle of a shopping spree, mostly in favours for some of our friends. Since she's preggie so she got so hungry and wanted to eat. I told her i cant do that since i dont have my wallet. Then she began digging her purse to find any extras from her shopping for us to mencekik.

But she only had a few ringgits left. We walked out of the store after i convinced her that its ok. Then she stopped and laughed crazily... Takutlah jugak kan. But she actually laughed at her silliness.

Me: akak, ok ka??? Ke nak beranak dah?

Kak Neera: takde lah Pah... Nape akak nak korek2 duit?? kan akak boleh gi cocok kat atm tu??? hahahhaahhaahahahhaahhahahahha

Me: ha ah la... huhuhu mesti akak terlalu empathy kita sampai akak ingat akak pun takde wallet. hahahah. kita je la yg tak boleh cucuk apa2 pun (bani jgn ingat lain)

So we were laughing all the way till we reached teppanyaki, eating nasik ayam. sedap. huhuu... her treat. huhuhu... then she gave me RM5 in case of any emergency. SO kind of her huhuh... I love you kak neera!!

But as we were eating she eagerly checked out the shoes i bought. and i got scolded. sebab semua kasut berwarna hitam and pattern lebih kurang sama... well, that's me!

Aisey wht to do la....

Anyway, that's what happened la kan... AIM SORI!!!!

See ya

AIM SORI!!!!

Assalamualaikum....

I have been soooo busy lately that i find it impossible to update my blog. I'm currently involved in a study. Yesterday i was camping in the office sampai ke Subuh with the rest of the project team due to our deadline today.

Errr... although aku tak nampak cam buat keja but we're seriously busy, especially in this coming 4 months... but after series of breathless days and anti-social days to meet the dateline, this weekend blh lepak sat. So now...

Cuba try test lihat gambaq2 di bawah ini....

Bolehkah anda teka siapa ini?????

Apa??? tak clear??? wanna a clearer pic????

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ok.....

There........

What???? Tak clear jugak??? apa la hangpa ni semua. pi pakai spek la... but aku kasik can... nah...

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Hah!! Kenai??????

Currently looking like this:

I dont mean the cute baby... just this absurd guy. Kesian... muda2 encem, dah tua jadi senget pulak... Bani.. bani... Jgn marah ye darling. aku just ikut trend nize... waaaaaa

AIM SORRYYYY!!!!!!

I dream of Hang Tuah, i mean Puteri Gunung Ledang

Last Saturday when everybodyelse is busy with V-Day (i mean valentine laaa), me and 4 other friends went to magical mistical journey of Puteri G. ledang at istana Budaya.... My colleague telah bersusah payah book the ticket online...

The ticket itself is RM 155, but add another RM2 for phone booking. Seriously, i for one not a big fan of outdoor activities, and the movie version of PGL doesnt interest me at all when i watched it... Sebab aku tak minat cerita cinta...

That's why i waited untill the 3rd season. After i heard a lot of positive comments... And bila my colleague asked, aku pun main agree saja... its time to have some fun kan... especially after all the things that happened last week... *sigh*

In UKM i was quite involved with UKM's theater group. But since i'm not too comfortable with the extend of social interaction there, i've decided to join the technical group instead, jaga bunyi, jaga lighting etc... Since 1st year. I actually joined the UKM theater club (there's a liberal course that i took u know). Then later i reduce my official involvement and just present at my kolj kediaman's practices... It was during one of the theater sessions tu ada bawak kami ke Istana Budaya and i can hardly remember that... So i'm gonna consider this as my 1st time since i'm matured enuf to appreciate it.

The name of the building really defines it. Such grandeur and overwhelming with our dear culture. I really feel like i'm in a castle, though i've seen many other places with richer sence of craft, i like the modesty richness here. Subtle. How nice if i can have a house like that... Not too grand... Angan2 lah kamu Kawaii oiii

Di setiap tangga ada satu tempayan gangsa (kot) berisi air yg ditaburi bunga kemboja... so weet gitu... But what actually make me feel so jakunish is when i'm actually inside the theater, Panggung seni... Cam theater bangsawan broadway pulak... gila lawa... class gitu.. And at both sides of the stage ada an electronic board welcoming us.... And also when the performance starts, the e-screens acts as the english translator that displays all the beautifully translated sentences from the stage. every single sentence. And the language is so beautiful...

Seriously, we were so captivated, terkesuma dan yg sewaktu dgnnya with the performance. It tickles to see the dashing Datuk Laksamana Hang Tuah speaks bahasa KL haha. But his voice is real. Seriously.. I wonder how they did it. The performance was great. The movement is smooth. The props, the technology is superb... And they actually use magic tricks u know and clever movement makes it look as though the people really disappear.. The explosives... the special effects... wow....!!! Not to mention the soun system was perfect!! i love it!! Now aku nak cari soundtrack dia. All the actors are talented with great vocal. so electrofying.

I really hope there's season 4... will go again.... no doubt...

And i really dont mind telling u... Hang Tuah though nampak sedikit bunch, but still sooooo dashingly good looking. I'm drooling for real!!!

And to remind myself how great the performance was, i bough some PGLM merchandise, a note book, a lanyard and a cap... Nice...

Enjoy the preview:

Take a break!!! But i'm about to break...

Well what do u say to a 46 years old lady hwo forgotten her age just because she doesnt look like one happens to behave like child and start a fight with you? What do u do?? especially if there's back stabbing involved?? How do u deal with that? Just nak tanya..


Anyway, enjoy the clip ok (Bani and Nize mesti suka and menujukan lagu antara satu sama lain)



Another crazy jiwa kacau clip here hehe

Dasaq tak sedaq diri Part II

Assalamualaikum...

The above photo was taken after i discovered that my office toilet is now filled with purple flowers... yes aku kat jambam. no, i'm not a weirdo who carries my cam into toilets okeh get it right... The first version of the entry can be viewed here. ..

I dont even know why i put that as my entry title...
How tak sedaq diri am i??

#1

Jalan jalan cari pasai (bani hang jgn perasan dah la call nak mintak direction pun takmo angkat)... I'm kinda indoor person but sometimes buat jugak keja gila such as drive ke penang at 5 am to catch a dateline of tender submission at 12.00noon, and without sleeping that night... and drive balik the same day, not to mention melata pi zoo negara wearing court shoes, mmg la sakit kaki... for more pictures of my adventure kat zoo melaka dropby here. penah jugak nyaris kena attack dgn beruk makye kat ukm ish makan tuan la pulak...

But just i have to keep a close watch on my health so that it will not interrupt my momentum.. which brings to the second point..

#2

Mencekik/menteke tak hingat dunia (the longest i believe)... let the pictures tell the stories

Actually banyak lagi point ketidak sedaran aku... coming soon... let u enjoy the photos first ok.. :)
Letih actually nak upload gambaq... tu belum part shopping and DIY lagi tu...

Disebabkan bani parpu dok pressure aku, ok la okla aku bubuk satu gambaq dia:

Bani seorang yg peramah berusia 24 tahun (nak muntah aku), ramah, kelakaq, mesra dan mudah didekati... Perkataan favouritenya bermula dengan hurof P. Sapa2 nak berkenalan silakanlah, at your own risk hahaha.

Jangan mare ye....... ;) aku melawak saja

enjoy this clip ok hahah:

All of Allah's creation will finally return to the Al-Mighty..

I found this beautiful photo here.
This entry is dedicated to my most beloved CEO that we fondly call MYS on the demise of his beloved mother earlier today (24th January 2009). Innalillahi wainnailaihi raajiun...

His mother had been ill for quite a while and had been admitted to hospital around two weeks ago..

But still, MYS carry out his tasks as our CEO as usual...
One day last week i was on leave as i have to do some arrangements for my house, and that night i saw MYS and his wife at The Chicken Rice Shop, Alamanda. I was doing some grocery shopping. When i reached my car i smsed him, hoping that he would enjoy his meal.

And he replied that indeed he did. And he added that that was one decent meal he has with his family after some time...

Termenung jugakla reading his reply... i remembered... of course, with all the high expectation leaned on his shoulder after he reigned as our CEO, plus with his mother in the hospital that time, i can scarcely imagine betapa serabutnya hidup and yet he carried out his tasks wonderfully..

And yet last thursday MYS along with many of us stayed back until late at night for a website committee meeting. And he indirectly inspired my that night. U see, i volunteered to do a task but a committee member said what i voluntereed for will be taken care of by another member (i'm not a member just penyibuk) but MYS disagreed and wanted me to proceed. MYS was in sorrow and pain and yet he can still be that leader who lays opportunities to his eager young staffs and having alot of ideas waiting to be realized...

Yesterday we organized a bit of solat hajat for his mom and daughter of another colleague in hospital and MYS was deeply touched that he came to see me before we started to express his gratitude and later smsed me (and the rest of the organizing committee) to express his appreciation. and i'm somehow touched...

And i want to be like that... Giving absolutely no excuses, what ever happens, it doesnt stop your mind from functioning and life indeed has to go on... and still able to express his feelings like that

And today at arond 2.25pm Mr. Z smsed me informing the news of his loss...

MYS,
Thank you for trusting me and giving me that chances, as u always did..
Thank you for your faith in me...
This is the only thing we can do for you.... Take care

May Arwah rest in perfect peace and may Allah bless her soul and place her among the mukmins... Amin...

Al-Fatihah...